Some things are completely and utterly absurd. And while they are perhaps funny, nothing awesome in and of itself is happening. They are merely stupid. The idea of awe is an entirely different concept which can very rarely be seen coming. It can even make history if it takes place in the right context. However, sometimes the two things meet in precisely equal measures and some kind of magical alchemy occurs which simply defies analysis. Well, despite that, here's some analysis........
1. Soundtracks of the 1980's
I was tempted to put the entire 1980's in here to be honest but then I thought about Howard the Duck, Alf and Dallas. Dreadful. So it's just soundtracks. I cannot think of a single 80's soundtrack that doesn't fit the TV show or film it's attached to perfectly. It's true accross the board, whether it be a show about an unlikely group of mercenaries operating within the United States, a film about a Nazi punching archeologist or even a Three Musketeers adaptation told with dogs. The soundtracks are all absolutely ridiculous not to mention brilliant! In no way do they work outside of the contest they were meant to be heard in, but before youtube came along they never were! I'm not sure whether it was the shoulder pads or the cocaine, but whatever it was, things have never been quite as all out awesome since. Sure, you can point out any Clint Mansell soundtrack and say it's 'better' than the theme to the fall guy. And it would be. But I know what I'd rather listen to if I was a stuntman/detective chasing a kidnapper along the roof of a moving train.
2. Formula One
We take Formula One for granted. It just 'is'. We never imagine a world without it because it's always been there right? Well actually no, and if you really think about it and look at the ingredients that make up Formula One, it's completely insane It's safety record is questionable at best and accidents happen on and off the track. No normal person would think it was a sensible idea to do this. If you were to pitch the idea of multi-million pound teams using drivers with no apparent regard for their own personal safety and an insatiable lust for winning (or sometimes just insatiable lust) racing cutting edge cars around the streets of Monaco you'd be told to politely 'absolutely not under any circumstances'. But because of the awesome factor we just don't seem to care. And nor should we. F1 is nothing if not spectacular. Some people love the racing and some weird people (with anger issues) love the crashes. But whatever the reason, it's great entertainment and an absolutely awesome spectacle.
3. Mixed Martial Arts
It was related to me recently by a massive fan of the sport that no one really needs to be a cage fighter! There are all sorts of reasons for the popularity of MMA, not only for spectators but also for the fighters themselves. I think it basically comes down to a chance to be involved in the only situation where you can legally choke someone unconcsious. Most people would like to choke out a co-worker or kick a shop assistant on a daily basis, well these guys get to act on that impulse and they actually get paid for it. I bet you're regretting that career in management systems analysis right about now? Go home and punch a pillow big man. Otherwise..........
Two men fighting inside a cage is absurd. Yet give these very same simple ingredients to the UFC and you get something awesome! What other sport could have given us Bas Rutten? MMA is as violent as Mad Max and much less destructive than a riot. Also I can't watch a riot in my front room, unless something has gone really, really wrong.
4. Wing Suits
There's not really anything I can say about this, other than, if you think the awesome outweighs the absurd in this equation you probably have some kind of death wish. And I don't mean in a Charles Bronson way, I mean in a Mohamed Atta kind of way. On the Awesome side of things you get to feel like Batman, now think about how absurd that is.
5. Drinking
Ah drinking. Now, I might be a spectator when it comes to Formula One, MMA and Wingsuits but I have seen things you people would not believe when it comes to this one (including a man being tebagged on the end of a bar whilst unconcsious, he now manages the same bar). I have reached the conclusion that whilst being utterly absurd, drinking is awesome in away that is greater than the sum of its poisonous parts. There is no state other than drunk when you would take an invitation to become involved in 'fight club' at face value and then STILL think it sounds like a good idea. Drinking is the way most people solidify friendships among their peer group. It's also the condition under which many people take their first tentative steps towards forming romantic relationships. However, while you might form lasting bonds with other human beings, you might also form lasting scars on your body due to your own rampant stupidity. It's fine to enter a vomitting contest, but you probably shouldn't attempt skateboarding or international travel. I have learned all of these lessons the hard way.
Friday, 4 November 2011
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Smallville: A fair and balanced review continued...
Well after the complete mess that was part one I have to say my hopes were not high. I think my only real mistake was in not realising just how very low they actually should have been. So, picking up where we left off at the end of part one. Everyone has done a lot of talking about their feelings. Then some more talking about feelings. Then, more talking. Clark has decided he can move on since there is actually nothing stopping him (and never was). One thing to be said for this new approach is that he doesn't whine like spoiled child as much in this episode. But he does spend a lot of time listening to other characters tell him that he has been prophesized as some kind of 'chosen one'. I love religious overtones, ecpecially when they're completely unnecessary and have nothing to do with the story or it's characters. Anyway, let us begin.....
Now that the whole world knows there is a planet hurtling towards the Earth (because they can see it with there eyes) there is some kind of implied panic. We never see any actual panic so I'm left to assume that there was some somewhere. Lois and Clark leap straight into action with her sneaking onto Airforce One to warn the President (because astronomy hasn't been invented in this universe) and with Clark running off to the remains of Lex Luthor's mansion so he can find Luthor's sister because she might know how to stop Darkseid. But really this happens so he can have his final scene with Lex Luthor (played by Michael Rosenbaum doing a fine job despite the atrocious lines). Speaking of Darkseid, I was wondering how they could possibly get this character wrong. Since he's the reason I decided to watch the show in the first place, this character was kind of a deal breaker for me. Well they didn't disappoint, in the writers usual style of ruining what is already established with needless changes, they really went to town on this one. First up, he wasn't a character at all, he was just opposition, a convenient plot device and nothing more. He wants to possess the whole planet for some reason, but also to destroy it. This makes no sense for two reasons, one being we're never told why he wants to do either of these things and two because these goals oppose one another and it makes no sense! If you don't provide even the smallest insight into a characters motives and desires then the audience will not care what they're doing or why they're doing it. All the drama is immediately removed and we're left watching events unfold for no reason. But as I said, Darkseid is not a character here, so the writers probably thought it wouldn't matter. The writers seem to spend a lot of time thinking writing doesn't matter.
If you're thinking at this point that Darkseid is a plot device that will allow Clark to put the suit on, have someone to fight and save the day. You'd be half right. Darkseid's physical manifestation is a dusty cloud! I'm not even kidding! If you want to fight him in this version of the DC universe then all you need is a hoover or a sturdy brush. When I saw him I laughed out loud. The writers ingenuity when it comes to utterly ruining things truly knows no bounds. As for the 'fight' itself? Darkseid confronts Clark in the barn where this episode began (Clark needn't have gone anywhere), He's possessed the body of Lex's father, Lionel Luthor at this point. Probably so the CGI department wouldn't have to bother drawing him that day, when suddenly Clark remembers the last ten series of Smallville in a lazy montage. This teaches him to believe in himself while teaching us that this show is dreadful. Then Clark flys straight through Darkseid encountering no resistance at all and destroying him utterly. Darkseid scatters like the silly dusty-ghosty-cloudy collection of Avid plug-in particle effects he is and we don't see or hear from him again.
After that we see the planet Apokolips getting closer while Clark runs off to the North pole so he can have some emotional Dialogue with his long dead Kryptonian father. Clark really knows how to prioritise! When he gets there both of Clark's dads make some Jesus/Skywalker/Potter/Baggins/Aslan/Arthur references and hand him the suit. Finally we'll get to see him wear it. the suit is iconic and I bet the writers couldn't wait to get him into it. Except we don't see him in it, well not really anyway. That's right they found a way to ruin this too! We see (from a distance) a CGI superman saving Airforce One and then nonsensically flying towards Apokolips before pushing it away from the Earth! The last part at least sounds epic, but it's not. Because we don't see that either. Instead the epic struggle of The Man of Steel forcing an entire planet away from a collision course with our own world is shown in three CGI shots, none of which show this actually happening! Here was the perfect opportunity for him to throw something into the sun! I've seen fan trailers on youtube that look better. I think to be quite honest they ran out of money. They must have. I refuse to believe anyone is this inept at storyboarding or scriptwriting. However given that the special effects in the show generally look like PSone era cutscenes I can only imagine how little money they had to begin with.
In conclsuion it's hard to identify how many levels this show disappoints on. There is the huge misinterpretation of all the characters which seems entirely avoidable to me. I can accept that the characters had to be regressed a little or perhaps even given extra issues to deal with on a personal level. But it seems like the changes that were actually made had nothing to do with character development or storytelling at all. It looks to me like the changes were made in order to save money on production and to justify the need for a library's worth of horrible and lazy emotional dialogue. I doubt the writers knew anything about the source material before they started writing and probably didn't think it was worth finding anything out. This shows every single time anyone opens their mouth to speak. Reinterpretations of popular characters can work out well if you stay true to a characters core principles and motivations, but that hasn't been done here. They've confused core principles with core abilities i.e thinking that making Clark into a whiney girly boy instead of a confident young man is fine providing he can still run fast. Being selfless and compassionate has been replaced with being whiney and self involved. But he's still really strong so it must be the same character right? This process is repeated throughout the whole cast and I cannot bring myself to go into each and every one of them. Suffice to say it's messy and frustrating. The complete lack of care and craft that has gone into this show astounds me, as does its success. Although I don't begrudge it the last part I certainly resent the manner in which it was achieved. I doubt any DC fan above the age of 12 failed to pick up on how much of a compromise this felt like. Whether they liked it or not the problems cannot be ignored or reasoned away. For me personally I'm afraid the problems are insurmountable. The next time someone asks me what I think of Smallville, I'll recommend them something that has better writing, better acting and was crafted to be a true representation of the source material whilst being accessible to the non-hardcore audience. I'll Recommend they watch this.
Now that the whole world knows there is a planet hurtling towards the Earth (because they can see it with there eyes) there is some kind of implied panic. We never see any actual panic so I'm left to assume that there was some somewhere. Lois and Clark leap straight into action with her sneaking onto Airforce One to warn the President (because astronomy hasn't been invented in this universe) and with Clark running off to the remains of Lex Luthor's mansion so he can find Luthor's sister because she might know how to stop Darkseid. But really this happens so he can have his final scene with Lex Luthor (played by Michael Rosenbaum doing a fine job despite the atrocious lines). Speaking of Darkseid, I was wondering how they could possibly get this character wrong. Since he's the reason I decided to watch the show in the first place, this character was kind of a deal breaker for me. Well they didn't disappoint, in the writers usual style of ruining what is already established with needless changes, they really went to town on this one. First up, he wasn't a character at all, he was just opposition, a convenient plot device and nothing more. He wants to possess the whole planet for some reason, but also to destroy it. This makes no sense for two reasons, one being we're never told why he wants to do either of these things and two because these goals oppose one another and it makes no sense! If you don't provide even the smallest insight into a characters motives and desires then the audience will not care what they're doing or why they're doing it. All the drama is immediately removed and we're left watching events unfold for no reason. But as I said, Darkseid is not a character here, so the writers probably thought it wouldn't matter. The writers seem to spend a lot of time thinking writing doesn't matter.
If you're thinking at this point that Darkseid is a plot device that will allow Clark to put the suit on, have someone to fight and save the day. You'd be half right. Darkseid's physical manifestation is a dusty cloud! I'm not even kidding! If you want to fight him in this version of the DC universe then all you need is a hoover or a sturdy brush. When I saw him I laughed out loud. The writers ingenuity when it comes to utterly ruining things truly knows no bounds. As for the 'fight' itself? Darkseid confronts Clark in the barn where this episode began (Clark needn't have gone anywhere), He's possessed the body of Lex's father, Lionel Luthor at this point. Probably so the CGI department wouldn't have to bother drawing him that day, when suddenly Clark remembers the last ten series of Smallville in a lazy montage. This teaches him to believe in himself while teaching us that this show is dreadful. Then Clark flys straight through Darkseid encountering no resistance at all and destroying him utterly. Darkseid scatters like the silly dusty-ghosty-cloudy collection of Avid plug-in particle effects he is and we don't see or hear from him again.
After that we see the planet Apokolips getting closer while Clark runs off to the North pole so he can have some emotional Dialogue with his long dead Kryptonian father. Clark really knows how to prioritise! When he gets there both of Clark's dads make some Jesus/Skywalker/Potter/Baggins/Aslan/Arthur references and hand him the suit. Finally we'll get to see him wear it. the suit is iconic and I bet the writers couldn't wait to get him into it. Except we don't see him in it, well not really anyway. That's right they found a way to ruin this too! We see (from a distance) a CGI superman saving Airforce One and then nonsensically flying towards Apokolips before pushing it away from the Earth! The last part at least sounds epic, but it's not. Because we don't see that either. Instead the epic struggle of The Man of Steel forcing an entire planet away from a collision course with our own world is shown in three CGI shots, none of which show this actually happening! Here was the perfect opportunity for him to throw something into the sun! I've seen fan trailers on youtube that look better. I think to be quite honest they ran out of money. They must have. I refuse to believe anyone is this inept at storyboarding or scriptwriting. However given that the special effects in the show generally look like PSone era cutscenes I can only imagine how little money they had to begin with.
In conclsuion it's hard to identify how many levels this show disappoints on. There is the huge misinterpretation of all the characters which seems entirely avoidable to me. I can accept that the characters had to be regressed a little or perhaps even given extra issues to deal with on a personal level. But it seems like the changes that were actually made had nothing to do with character development or storytelling at all. It looks to me like the changes were made in order to save money on production and to justify the need for a library's worth of horrible and lazy emotional dialogue. I doubt the writers knew anything about the source material before they started writing and probably didn't think it was worth finding anything out. This shows every single time anyone opens their mouth to speak. Reinterpretations of popular characters can work out well if you stay true to a characters core principles and motivations, but that hasn't been done here. They've confused core principles with core abilities i.e thinking that making Clark into a whiney girly boy instead of a confident young man is fine providing he can still run fast. Being selfless and compassionate has been replaced with being whiney and self involved. But he's still really strong so it must be the same character right? This process is repeated throughout the whole cast and I cannot bring myself to go into each and every one of them. Suffice to say it's messy and frustrating. The complete lack of care and craft that has gone into this show astounds me, as does its success. Although I don't begrudge it the last part I certainly resent the manner in which it was achieved. I doubt any DC fan above the age of 12 failed to pick up on how much of a compromise this felt like. Whether they liked it or not the problems cannot be ignored or reasoned away. For me personally I'm afraid the problems are insurmountable. The next time someone asks me what I think of Smallville, I'll recommend them something that has better writing, better acting and was crafted to be a true representation of the source material whilst being accessible to the non-hardcore audience. I'll Recommend they watch this.
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Smallville: a fair and balanced review. Of sorts.
Tonight I sat down to watch the finale of Smallville. Now, while I'm not a fan of the show per se. I have always been curious about the potential for a DC universe 'live action' show. I loved both the Batman and Superman animated series so it's something I would love to see. I am a huge fan of DC comics generally but I will try to remain impartial throughout this unnecessarily long (and unasked for) analysis of what is basically a kids show. Now first up, I know the show is popular, but so is heroin and Rebecca Black so I will not accept it as a defence at any point. Also I know it has to have broad appeal to non-geeks, so I'm not expecting a 100% faithful interpretation. In fact I think this can actually be a strength, as it allows the writers to craft something that goes beyond the source material. So with all that said let us begin.......
Now, I was surprised to see the show open up with a girl (Chloe) reading a 'Smallville' comic to a young child in a bed. Already I am experiencing problems. Does this mean that the Smallville comic exists within the Smallville universe? I'm pretty sure that would be a bit of a vanity project on the part of Kal El (Superman to no-geeks), do we worship him as a god now? This doesn't seem like something Superman would do. Also if there's a comic about his life and deeds is Supermans identity still a secret? If not does that mean Obama can just text him everytime he needs something done? So many questions! Anyway ignoring this strange and pointless scene we begin our show.
So Clark and Lois are working at the Daily Planet, researching stories and planning their wedding. All seems well with the world when all of a sudden we get some fairly immature and overly long dialog about their feelings for each other. 'Okay' I think there's going to be some character development in this episode. That can be a nice touch for a show like this because it gives characters depth and believability, rather than just showing them as the finished articles that we know from the comics. It makes them consistant with the universe they inhabit. But then it goes on. And on. And then it keeps going on until I realise that this show doesn't really do much else. In fact I'm beginning to feel as though I've seen this show before.
That's right boys and girls (especially girls). It seems that some bright spark at Warner decided it was time to cut Supermans balls off in order to make him palatable to a mass audience. Because lets face it, the character certainly didn't have universal appeal that made him popular for over fifty years by the time the show even started right? I'm all for the serialisation of a teenage superman, the chance to watch him struggle and grow. To watch him learn to be the character we know and love. But we're past all that at this point. It makes no sense to have him whining on like a child. Whether it's about his wedding, or his dead father(s) or anything at all for that matter! He's a man. And not just any man, he's The Man of Steel! Superman is meant to be so selfless and so tough that I doubt he would be so self involved. Not to mention emotionally incapable. Are we supposed to believe that this emotional cripple could stand up to General Zod or Mongul when he can't even face his own imagined problems? None of the tough resolve inherrent in Supermans character is present in Tom Welling's performance. This is not entirely his fault as he's given such terrible material to begin with. This script must read like the ramblings of a 13 year-old's livejournal.
Okay misinterpretation of the characters aside we move onto the wider plot (where it happens again). A massive evil planet called Apokolips is coming to earth (for some reason). We're not told why other than Lex Luthor and a cabal of evil people wants it too. Also in a plot device they stole from Doctor Who there is some implied theological link. I'm not sure I need this link being made for me but perhaps the non-geek audience does? Anyway, for me personally this couldn't be a better choice of antagonist. Apokolips means we get to see it's diabolical leader, Darkseid. Darkseid is a great Villain, he's relentlaessly evil and singularly driven to control all life in the universe. Yet when we're shown this grave threat it's given to us in a truly terrible CG sequence. First Apokolips cruises past Saturn destroying part of its ring, then the camera pans around and there's the Earth. Boom right there, Earth. Next to Saturn. It would seem that someone hasn't even done the most basic research! Not only do they expect us to accept the Earth is next to Saturn, but also that it's roughly the same size. I'm not trying to nit-pick here. Little points like this take me out of the show, they ruin the experience for me because errors like this are so easily avoidable. One in isolation is not a massive problem, but when the whole show seems to consist entirely of things that could be done better it's just frustrating.
By this point I can already tell that this show is going to make me want to set myself on fire by the time I get to the end. All that really happened was lots of scenes between two characters exchanging emotional dialogue. It's all just filler until we find out that Green Arrow is possessed by Darkseid. Green Arrow wants to use the Clark and Lois wedding as a way to take away all of Supermans power with a kryptonite ring. All so no one can oppose Darkseid's invasion of earth. Or so we're told anyway. Because at this point we still haven't seen Darkseid. Maybe he's busy? But anyway the possessed Green Arrow's plot is thwarted after a brief and heavily CGI'd brawl between him and Superman. However, instead of an epic conclusion of any kind, Superman defeats the possessed form of his friend. But not with the many superpowers at his disposal, instead he uses (you guessed it) even more boring, cringe inducing, soporific, mawkish emotional dialogue. THIS IS NOT THE DC WAY! In the DC universe superheroes deal with their problems by throwing them into the sun! Now I'm not suggesting he should have thrown Green Arrow into the sun, but something more akin to this i.e the use of physical force would have been more consistant with the already established idea of Superman. Every time I see Superman behave in a way that seems more like Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman it destroys my suspension of disbelief in the same that seeing the Earth next to Saturn does. It's like the writers took the idea of Superman and decided to reinterpret it for little girls. Really soft ones. I'm surprised Superman doesn't ride a fucking pony and braid his spit curl at this point. Then to cap part one of this mess we get more emotional dialogue and the impending threat of Apokolips is revealed to the world at large. I'm pretty sure if anyone on Earth had thought to point a telescope straight up at any point during this episodethe impending disaster would have been revealed weeks ago, but I digress. Anyway, I await part two with the same sense of trepidation I normally associate with a funeral.
Now, I was surprised to see the show open up with a girl (Chloe) reading a 'Smallville' comic to a young child in a bed. Already I am experiencing problems. Does this mean that the Smallville comic exists within the Smallville universe? I'm pretty sure that would be a bit of a vanity project on the part of Kal El (Superman to no-geeks), do we worship him as a god now? This doesn't seem like something Superman would do. Also if there's a comic about his life and deeds is Supermans identity still a secret? If not does that mean Obama can just text him everytime he needs something done? So many questions! Anyway ignoring this strange and pointless scene we begin our show.
So Clark and Lois are working at the Daily Planet, researching stories and planning their wedding. All seems well with the world when all of a sudden we get some fairly immature and overly long dialog about their feelings for each other. 'Okay' I think there's going to be some character development in this episode. That can be a nice touch for a show like this because it gives characters depth and believability, rather than just showing them as the finished articles that we know from the comics. It makes them consistant with the universe they inhabit. But then it goes on. And on. And then it keeps going on until I realise that this show doesn't really do much else. In fact I'm beginning to feel as though I've seen this show before.
That's right boys and girls (especially girls). It seems that some bright spark at Warner decided it was time to cut Supermans balls off in order to make him palatable to a mass audience. Because lets face it, the character certainly didn't have universal appeal that made him popular for over fifty years by the time the show even started right? I'm all for the serialisation of a teenage superman, the chance to watch him struggle and grow. To watch him learn to be the character we know and love. But we're past all that at this point. It makes no sense to have him whining on like a child. Whether it's about his wedding, or his dead father(s) or anything at all for that matter! He's a man. And not just any man, he's The Man of Steel! Superman is meant to be so selfless and so tough that I doubt he would be so self involved. Not to mention emotionally incapable. Are we supposed to believe that this emotional cripple could stand up to General Zod or Mongul when he can't even face his own imagined problems? None of the tough resolve inherrent in Supermans character is present in Tom Welling's performance. This is not entirely his fault as he's given such terrible material to begin with. This script must read like the ramblings of a 13 year-old's livejournal.
Okay misinterpretation of the characters aside we move onto the wider plot (where it happens again). A massive evil planet called Apokolips is coming to earth (for some reason). We're not told why other than Lex Luthor and a cabal of evil people wants it too. Also in a plot device they stole from Doctor Who there is some implied theological link. I'm not sure I need this link being made for me but perhaps the non-geek audience does? Anyway, for me personally this couldn't be a better choice of antagonist. Apokolips means we get to see it's diabolical leader, Darkseid. Darkseid is a great Villain, he's relentlaessly evil and singularly driven to control all life in the universe. Yet when we're shown this grave threat it's given to us in a truly terrible CG sequence. First Apokolips cruises past Saturn destroying part of its ring, then the camera pans around and there's the Earth. Boom right there, Earth. Next to Saturn. It would seem that someone hasn't even done the most basic research! Not only do they expect us to accept the Earth is next to Saturn, but also that it's roughly the same size. I'm not trying to nit-pick here. Little points like this take me out of the show, they ruin the experience for me because errors like this are so easily avoidable. One in isolation is not a massive problem, but when the whole show seems to consist entirely of things that could be done better it's just frustrating.
By this point I can already tell that this show is going to make me want to set myself on fire by the time I get to the end. All that really happened was lots of scenes between two characters exchanging emotional dialogue. It's all just filler until we find out that Green Arrow is possessed by Darkseid. Green Arrow wants to use the Clark and Lois wedding as a way to take away all of Supermans power with a kryptonite ring. All so no one can oppose Darkseid's invasion of earth. Or so we're told anyway. Because at this point we still haven't seen Darkseid. Maybe he's busy? But anyway the possessed Green Arrow's plot is thwarted after a brief and heavily CGI'd brawl between him and Superman. However, instead of an epic conclusion of any kind, Superman defeats the possessed form of his friend. But not with the many superpowers at his disposal, instead he uses (you guessed it) even more boring, cringe inducing, soporific, mawkish emotional dialogue. THIS IS NOT THE DC WAY! In the DC universe superheroes deal with their problems by throwing them into the sun! Now I'm not suggesting he should have thrown Green Arrow into the sun, but something more akin to this i.e the use of physical force would have been more consistant with the already established idea of Superman. Every time I see Superman behave in a way that seems more like Dr Quinn: Medicine Woman it destroys my suspension of disbelief in the same that seeing the Earth next to Saturn does. It's like the writers took the idea of Superman and decided to reinterpret it for little girls. Really soft ones. I'm surprised Superman doesn't ride a fucking pony and braid his spit curl at this point. Then to cap part one of this mess we get more emotional dialogue and the impending threat of Apokolips is revealed to the world at large. I'm pretty sure if anyone on Earth had thought to point a telescope straight up at any point during this episodethe impending disaster would have been revealed weeks ago, but I digress. Anyway, I await part two with the same sense of trepidation I normally associate with a funeral.
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